How far does grey go?

A perfect shade of heather grey, I used to say.

But with the years, I begin to think there is no harmony between black and white. Differences in intentions and moral values do not blend. The line between "I did not know this would hurt you" and "I know this will hurt you, only if you find out" is stark.

Never in my drunkest of my drunkest selves nor the angriest of my angrist selves have I chosen to hurt someone. Alcohol's influence and the heat of the moment are the easiest scapegoats, you see.

I have left the me from 9 years ago behind; the me with who embraced compromise and forgiveness. Yet ironically, I feel feather light.

I don't eat cake.

Anxiety doesn't always appear as physical restlessness or endless worrying. Sometimes, it's just silent, brief moments of chaos in your head, except these moments come aplenty, at the most unexpected instances. It comes when you wear your brightest smile, and it comes with you are surrounded by people who love you and whom love you.

Anxiety feels like missed calls you die for someone to return. It feels like shouting for help through texting in a tone that's not your usual, in hope that anyone would notice the difference at all. Because you don't want to be mistaken for wanting the spotlight. All you needed was some attention.

I'm always looking for comfort from someone—someone who sees me eating cake and know that it isn't indulgence, and that something is amiss. What's wrong with cake, you say? You see, I don't eat cake.

Once you’ve tasted the rainbow, you can’t accept less than seven colours anymore.
Just like how I can’t afford to love someone that I have to second guess, because I never needed to with you.

Venus Retrograde mode

I know I keep going on about me going through a phase of changes and uncertainties in this time of the Venus retrograde (horoscope tings), but jokes aside, I feel like I’ve been lacking something in life for awhile now. By that, I don’t mean a boy attention or anything of that sort (okay fine, maybe partially), but I dislike stagnancy and I’ve been too comfortable and happy for too long now since my last tragic downfall. Not that I should be asking for trouble when trouble doesn’t find me, but yes, I’m that kinda person who needs trouble in life to get me going further. Weird? Maybe. Is anything going to hold me back from finding a source of discomfort? Absolutely not.

Things I hope to achieve as I attempt to revamp my outlook in life:

• Take people’s considerations about what I want to or should do with less weight, because frankly it’s time for you to make your own damn decisions, Sarah.
• Talk less, do more. I’m not getting any younger and I would very much like to get my shit together so I can be responsible for giving myself the life that I want.
•  Grow a little ambition, because I can’t keep aiming for the sky when everyone’s aiming for the galaxies.
• Write more, because I forgot how therapeutic it used to be in helping me get my thoughts sorted out.

Ok, now back to actually getting my shit together.

I don't have to be perfect, so what?

Things about myself that I wish were okay:

I love wearing T-shirts, sweatshirts and sneakers, and I don't have the most feminine taste in music.
I swear quite casually and frankly I don't see any wrong in it.
I hate being mainstream, and even more so when I'm being pressured to be.
I feel uncomfortable being dependent, not because I'm stubborn, but because I think knowing I can do things on my own is core to my personal growth.
I'm uninterested in the economy and politics, but I'll be happy to read about less educational fun facts like the invention of colours.
I resist more when being pushed - don't try me.
I get defensive when I feel exposed, and I take awhile to admit it when I'm in the wrong.
I'm easily satisfied, and also easily dissatisfied, and this can change in a split second.
I don't like to give in if you expect me to, but I will if you don't.
I don't think before I talk, and I am therefore more straightforward than I should be.
I have a great deal of patience, but I also have one hell of a temper if you push it, and I make sure I show it.
I need to hear "sorry" or "thank you", or I'll hold a grudge.
I'm a sucker for my gold stars and need my efforts acknowledged all the time.

This is me. Is that okay?