Stop stopping

"You can't expect them to grow up with you."

Yea I probably shouldn't keep my hopes up above the clouds all the time. I cannot expect people to think of me when I'm absent, much less remember trivial facts about me like my favourite colour or drink. I cannot expect people to give me a fraction of their time in exchange for mine. I cannot expect people to walk down the same path as me nor can I expect them to wait for me at the end of it. I cannot expect it all to be a given. But one thing I think I can do is to start learning that life goes on.

--

Today's concoction of emotions included 5% petty rage, 10% envy, 25% pride for yet another friend who has found love, and 60% dread of loneliness. I warmed the benches for close to an hour waiting for my friends before dinner but I might have went slightly overboard with the hostility. (It was their last day of work, I should have understood better. Must be the recent post-graduation disorientation. I'm sorry.) At midnight, a piece of amazing news arrived in the form of a text and drove me berserk. I am always happy for new found love! But that also means the #foreveralone club just lost two members and hell, it's diminishing in size faster than I thought. It wouldn't really bother me if I wasn't in it anymore either but... I am...

--

If we're close enough, you are privileged to know everything I have hidden well at the back of my head. That can come as good news, or otherwise. Because these days I never really got to stringing my thoughts into comprehensible sentences, so all you get is my gibberish and conclusionless stories. But know that, that is my my language of saying, "I trust you wholeheartedly, even if you don't understand a shit I'm telling you."

--

I am back to my old habit of paraphrasing multiple irrelevant thoughts in a single post again.
Happy 1st march, xx

感情 overflow

Last night, Naomi sent me a motivational text out of the blue telling me she loved me and that we're almost there. (Will someone please tell me what's there not to love about this girl?) It's like she poked a hole in my chest and now my emotions are overflowing all over the place.

It's been a good two months since I've stopped hanging out as often anymore because of school commitments. But that doesn't mean I haven't been actively stalking you on every social media platform to know what you've been up to. I am constantly afraid of people thinking I've stopped loving them (and vice versa) but truth is, I haven't and I want you to know I still love you!

Sometimes, I feel utterly blessed how Stella never fails to wish me good luck before my exams while I don't even know when her exams are or how she's doing in school. We barely even see each other but I know she's always there. Always. I've been keeping in rather frequent contact with Bert and I appreciate how he always has the thought to meet for dinner on his nights out. I also know that when he tells me "see you in the Wee Kim Wee school of communication soon", he's subtly encouraging me to buck up for the last stretch of poly (are you?) and it touches me beyond words :') On a side note, he's now a marksman! So proud of you Berty! And sometimes I wonder if Zul's brothers are making his life difficult for him at home again. Or if Hajar has had a pleasant Valentine's with Haiqal. Or if Taiming is up to anything because he's been rather quiet lately. Or if Jianhao has any new music recommendations for me. I know I haven't been attending gatherings diligently for the past few months but believe me, I just didn't have the chance to.

As irksome as it is, I gotta admit I miss having a little immaturity around me from all the 2E boys (you too, Xuanhao! I won't forget you again!). Last week, I would have missed the application deadline for local universities if Jinzhuang didn't specially text me to remind me about it. So nice of him! And there will always be a lack of mischief in my life without the uhu superglue couple Kunjie and Jiaying who are perpetually up to no good, and Junpeng who would try to pretend like he wasn't part of the plan although that seemingly innocent boy usually turns out to be the mastermind.

Not to forget, my strong military men who are out there protecting our country - most unfortunately, Wingleng, who's currently braving through the harshness of the Brunei fields but I know he'll be back soon in one piece; and most honourably, Shannon, whom I hope to catch at the OCS parade this April. And I will always care for my three 'J's like a mother would care for her son (although they are always leaving me out of their bro talks and treating me like a maid, assholes....). I don't usually set people on fire in my head, but when I do, you probably are a female who broke their heart. Also, when is Josh going to send me a cover again? Got girl then forget me already.

I also thank god for everyone I've met (and kept) in Poly so far and even though we attend the same damn school I feel like we're still so far away from each other when you're out of sight. Is everything going smoothly between Ericia and her Sicong? Does Xinxian regret extending her internship, and does she have her eyes on anyone in the office yet? When is Esther going to bring me for a spin and supper next, and are things spicing up between her and ____ already? What show is Nicole watching right now and how long has she been stuck on her bed? Is Bryan studying... or eating? What did Trisha buy on her shopping spree with her Skeltor and friends? I read her twitter and had a good laugh at the conversation she and her friends had with a certain waiter. Is Edmund coping well with the stress? Is Naomi having chicken for lunch today again? And she better be watching her books, not her K-dramas.

Above all, I miss, miss, miss them one-to-one sloth sessions with Fel. Things we do include eating excessively and slouching around just about anywhere we go (our favourite being the library cafe). I secretly love watching her fiddling with her film gadgets so professionally although I've never really understood the photography jargon she hurls at me, and admiring her ability to read books at the speed of a dozen chapters in an hour (I think). Also there's still this sour feeling in my heart knowing I missed the previous sushi session with the rest of the boobies - Joelle, Arynah, Widia, Zul. How are all of you?

I think about all of you all the time.
And I love all of you!

Almost

It hasn't really come forth to me how school is out for good... Perhaps I should be feeling some sort of void because I won't get to see my friends and classmates as often again (I'm a sentimental idiot). But perhaps not. Nevertheless, here's to being unbridled at last.

The weekends saw the ferns and I at the Airshow (thanks for the tix and vip benefits Nic!) and a Sunday brunch date with the dearly missed ones. The skies are blue again.

-

Afraid I won't ever again

Things I hate

1. Liars
2. School

Cny

  

All smiles and laughter are all lies and pretence (except within the direct familia). Chinese new year just grows more mundane and meaningless by the year. Nobody interacts anymore. Everyone just keeps themselves occupied by using their phones, if not gorging themselves, not because they're hungry, but because there's nothing else to do. I miss us circled on the floor for a game of banlak or taiti. I miss us racing each other to reach the next second visitation venue, although we're only left with one place to go to now. I miss the lively spirit of sharing and caring. I miss them family portraits. But there's none of that now.