-

I didn't expect so many things to happen all at once. And I hate how I am forced to prioritise when all are as worrisome and as important to me. I feel myself tearing apart. A few more days and I have to be back a few thousand miles away, and it is not fun. It is not fun all the time just because I "get to study overseas" and I wish people would stop saying that. It is not fun because I am so far away. And it is not fun because I can't do anything when proximity is such a bitch.

27/11

I think the scariest part was knowing it was coming but not knowing when. And sometimes I feel that life finds the thrill in toying around with me; because a week ago you started learning how to eat on your own again. A week ago, you still knew who I was and you could speak a little. A week ago I was browsing for plane tickets to head back home in February because you'd love it if I was back for chinese new year. A week ago, I told myself I'd call "tomorrow" because "you'd still be there". Then it happened so quickly and unexpectedly, yet still, I didn't feel much - or at least not as much as I thought I would. Because for once, this felt right, even if it's in all the wrong ways. Because maybe, just maybe, everyone will be happier this way - even you. Iwmy.

Lake District

This hike to the Lake District was the second last event we've organised for Singsoc as a comm member and to be honest I feel pretty bummed about that because let's be frank, being a part of a committee has never felt more empowering and fulfilling. These 9 months of duty have taught me a crucial lesson in life, and that is that the view at the summit will always, always be worth the ominous fog and slippery rocks. A piece of me will be ever-thankful for this opportunity.

          

Grasmere, Lake District / October, 2015 

[iPhone6]

Titus > Tiffany

Who needs Tiffany when you've got Titus? ;-) This was a birthday gift from J and I felt like dressing up to match up this precious, precious piece today. I got up in my floral babydoll dress and pointelle knit tights and hid frilly lace socks underneath my trusty pair of Timberlands just because I secretly like the subtlety of the frills showing only when I'm walking. I think I'm weird and I think everyone should wake up happy for no reason every once in a awhile.

As much as I'm been stirring trouble for myself (i.e. losing my phone and losing my consciousness) this October, I think I've also started doing a lot of things I've put off for a very long time. I'm not sure if it's my coming-of-age (or came-of-age, to be exact) that haunts me but I don't have long till I'll back home for good so I might as well do things that I can while I can - things like running with strangers, signing up for seemingly stupid enrichment programmes, hiking on mountains, etc. I am utterly thrilled for what I've planned ahead for both the fun (more sports and activities) and the essential (career-planning and well, generally life-planning).

I'm ready to work hard and play hard :-)

You used to call me on my cell phone

My phone was taken from me at the club last night, and it bothers me more than it should. Because I screwed up again and I should have been shy after being bitten twice. Young wild and free? More like young wild and downright careless... :-( I need to pick up my own mess and get moving again.

-

Today, he held my hand and squeezed it tight, like he last did a decade ago. Then he looked at me and told me to go.

Where my dreams wait for me, where the river always flows. #SG50

Enlarged photos for this one because Singapore is such a beautiful place, especially so today; So is my mom. For the first time in teenage-hood, I am so proud to be donned in red without feeling a tinge of embarrassment. I think I know which red army I feel more at home standing with, and it's not the one at Old Trafford. I am Singaporean, through and through :') 

Life is a beach

Today, Lor and I went to the beach. I lied beside her while making sand roti pratas for a good fifteen minutes. People stared, but that's ok. Then the sky started rumbling, like our stomach, so we escaped from the impending downpour and retreated indoors for a snack and a shower. We decided we might as well meet our boyfriends since we couldn't get a tan anymore because that's what we always do anyway. J & S were in their uniforms and it was funny because I recalled that Lor and I once mentioned that we needed another friend with an air force regular boyfriend to complete the "set" (because J is from the navy and S is from the army). After which, J also brought me for dinner near his place where I had the best plate of hokkien mee with the best chilli ever. What a wonderful day.

-

I was a naive child. When I learnt that broken families were a thing and not just fiction, I cried myself to sleep and wondered why this was even part of life. I didn't know it was possible for a child to not have seen his father for years. I didn't know it was possible that wife and husband could choose not sleep on the same bed at the end of the day.

I was a naive child, and also a very hopeful one. As I stepped further out of my perfect little world, I starting knowing more things that weren't so perfect after all. I started to see the ugly, like how people would gamble with relationships to get what they want, and like how grown-ups got better at pushing responsibilities than pushing boundaries. But I thought to myself that if I put in effort on behalf of these adults to fix things that were broken, no matter how unfortunate reality can be, then maybe, just maybe, I'll still see my happy ending.

I'm still a naive child, but this time, I've lost hope. Because this time, oblivion is easier than incapability; Not knowing the problem is easier than knowing it yet not being able to do a thing. Because this time, I think I've finally convinced myself to believe that sometimes, not every ending is meant to be a happy one.

Life

I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about the transition back here, like how mei has moved over from the mainstream music bandwagon to All Time Low, Tonight Alive and Issues (I've taught my baby sister well), the sudden loss of privilege to roam around my room unclothed, and of course, the absence of my favourite half roasted chicken with pilau rice from Curry Mile. I thought I'd be packed to the brim here, but nope... I'm just gonna slowly stroll through the time I have here :-)

i. Malacca over a weekend with the family, for a durian buffet, of course.

ii. Time off with my favourite sidekick - the only one who's always up for a game of bball or a short cycling sesh. I'm not gonna deny, I sulked and whined a lot in the first few weeks of being a military gf, but things always get better with you, my gallant soldier.

iii. Trying new things. Over July, Sha invited us for a day trip to Batam to learn how to cable-skii / wakeboard and I've gotta say it was tougher than expected. Kinda grew phobic of the sport after suffering several abrasion wounds on my thighs from the kneeboard straps :-( But I felt like the King of the world on that board going against the current, for a few seconds... I also wanted to try something new for my hair and I went for purple but it barely lasted a week before it faded into a burgundy-brown. And of course, new artsy experiments to work on my techniques. 

I've also been taking daily driving lessons since I've been back and let's just say I'm a very lucky girl to have passed on my first attempt for manual!! "One shot one kill, no luck all skills." Hehehe J taught me that. 

iv. Catching up with old friends. Things change eventually, but I'm glad some don't :-)

7 lessons I've learnt from studying abroad

1. If you want something, go get it.

If you want breakfast, go wake up early for it. 'Cause mommy's not there to do it for you all your life, and also 'cause the early bird always gets the century egg porridge from the dim sum stall that sells out by 10am. Also, refer to point 2.

If you want your first class, go ahead and be nerdy and get your revision done. Go for your lectures, go for your seminars, and go to the library. The difference between Poly and Uni has taught me a great deal on this. I'm a lucky girl, and I always have been. In Poly, my unmotivated and complacent self was saved by the grace of my very diligent and/or intelligent friends. I was never the best at attending lectures, so I always relied on the rest for notes. I've literally started from the bottom (GPA 2.9 in Poly year 1) and now I'm here (GPA 3.8 and director's list in my last year). It's nothing big to brag about, but I must emphasise on how the people I've known in Poly have changed my attitude towards academic work. The level of independence required from Uni comes on a whole new level, not just academically, but also because I know I'm not necessarily blessed with the same advantage as I was in Poly. I try to rely on no one else but myself and when I say that I work hard, I really do with a 'first class' target in my head. I think I'm coping fairly well.

If you want someone, man up (or should I say, woman up) and go chase after him. Because someone once told me, "Good things come to those who fight for it, not to those who wait," and I surely have waited long enough.

If you want to grow up, start learning how to be a grown-up. I think everyone's afraid of doing adult-ish things, like making an appointment with the bank, settling the bills, getting your own phone repaired, or going down to the police station alone when you actually need help. You've to do it one day anyway, so might as well learn how to do it now. Also, because you don't have a choice when you live without your parents.

2. Seven hours of sleep is all you need.

Sleep used to be my best friend until I realised how much sleep time I could've used on far more purposeful things in life. It's been a few months since I've refrained from sleeping in past 9-10am and more often than not, it's been a choice than an obligation. I've never liked the feeling of losing half my day whenever I slept in till the sun was high in the sky, plus I always feel groggy for the rest of the day from sleeping too much. I set my alarm early every morning even if I don't have a reason to wake up early for, because I could always use the spare time to defrost my meat in time for lunch, to vacuum the floor, or to watch an episode of Game of Thrones.

3. Nobody will wait for you, so catch up or suck it up and move on.

A year ago, I asked a friend how she could bear to leave everyone here to study abroad if she were in my shoes. She said so unhesitantly, that I can't expect people to walk the same path as me, nor can I expect people to wait for me. A week ago, I was so certainly eager to be home, yet just a day before I was home bound, I knew that I was more afraid than I was excited, because I knew for sure that everyone and everything has changed. And is there anything I can do about it? Nope.

4. Take a walk whenever you want to and with whoever you want to.

If there's a storm raging in your heart, take a walk. If the sun's shining and the skies are blue, take a walk. If you're feeling like a bum at home, take a walk. If you just feel like it, take a walk. It's okay to leave the house to take a walk, for whatever reason or no reason at all, and alone if you rather. There is nothing a walk can't solve.

5. Racism is real, but learn how to shake it off.

Some of us aren't very pleased with the foreign population residing in our country for various reasons, but guess what? It's the same elsewhere. Nobody likes "intruders" in their homeland, especially not when they come in and "inflate" academic standards. I've had a few occurrences of people sarcastically "ni hao"-ing me and receiving judgemental stares in the club and a honk with two middle fingers from a passing car. But guess what again? It will only affect you as much as you let it. So, shake it off and move along. And trust me, it's not intimidating at all. In fact, try replying them in proper English that we are all well equipped with and leave them speechless because they wouldn't see that coming.

6. Life does not get any clearer as you age.

I am turning 21 in four more months and I still don't know where I'm headed to. I believe I'll never really know until the day I graduate and actually start working to know what I really want, and I always tell my sisters that it's okay to not know. (I'm not the best role model huh...) If you don't know what you want, work your ass off to open up your choices in life so at least you'll be entitled to more things that you can want when it actually comes to choosing your path. I may not the most ambitious or forward-looking person, but I'm still working on finding my point of compass.

7. The importance of education.

This year, I fell in love with learning. I never truly appreciated education until I've allowed myself to be deeply involved in it, not by commitment but by sheer curiosity. It's not just the fact that I'm paying more than thirty grand a year for my tuition fees that made me realise how important education is, but the fact that education opens up so many doors to the future. I am taking a degree that's almost exact to my business studies diploma, with the same accounting / marketing / finance modules, but somehow or rather, these modules seem to pose a different level of difficulty as to when I first took them on. I don't quite think it's just because I've had prior experience and knowledge in business, but because I've allowed myself to actually understand what I'm learning this time. I claim to hate Sociology and Work Psychology because memorising citations for an essay-based paper isn't the most enjoyable thing to do, but it actually stimulates a way of thinking of how people behave according to various stimulus and how a management should react to an array of these behaviours, and it's really not that dull of a module. I think I still retain a few citations here and there in my head because some facts are so interesting, like how procrastination can be cured with self-forgiveness. (Wohl et al, 2010) I'm also oddly in love with Finance and Management Accounting, which comes as a surprise to me because I wouldn't count it as my thing. I'd like to think I'm smarter than I give myself credit for, so this time I'm giving myself a second chance.

T-1

Today was a special day.

We don't usually get sunny days at a warm 14 degrees celcius in Manchester, so I decided that I ought to get my ass out of the house to photosynthesise for a bit (and also because I was hungry). I exited the hall through my less-favourited back gate (because it weighs a tonne compared to the main one), walked to the bus stop and waited a few minutes or so before a 143 came passing by. I could tell that the people who were waiting as well were eager to board, but the bus did not come to a halt. That was when all of them turned and looked at each other with a facial expression that shouted "seriously?!", as though it was synchronised. There was a route diversion down Oxford Road, and I could have simply crossed the road to get to the temporary bus stop just right outside Morrison's, but I decided to take the long way around past the school and down to the Aquatics Centre instead.

Midway, I came across the fruit stall that first gave me hope that this city would be kind to me. I remembered the cashier as "hipster Jesus cashier" nine months ago because he was decked out in cool tattoos, had long blond hair and was unbelievably nice. All I did was buy two cases of berries from him and he gave me something no one has given to me in a long time - a very, very sincere smile. Today, he's just the "hipster fruit stall cashier" 'cause he's had a shave since then.

I would usually head to Chinatown for food when I'm in town because I am Asian like that but today, the Mexican in me was craving for Taco Bell. A friend whose name starts with N and ends with E once told me that the art of eating alone gives you the satisfaction of paying your undivided attention to the food. No prizes for guessing who. Today, I finally knew what she meant, because all I needed to worry about was how to eat my taco without tilting my head (which is impossible btw) and how to take strategic bites on the crunchy one so it doesn't crumble apart. P.s. Her name rhymes with taco.

On the bus back home, I met a very special person. Just as I sat myself down, I took out my earpieces like I usually do because I am anti-social like that. There was a lady sitting diagonally in front of me, clad in a #ff1492 cardigan (I used to memorise this colour code for deep pink 'cause I knew this as JJ's favourite colour), and she was adorned with a pair of gem earrings. Emerald, perhaps? She was very intrigued by what I was doing, and stared at me as I clumsily attempted to untangle my earpieces. That made me nervous. After awhile, she lost interest in me and started reaching out for something in her pocket, dropping a box of lemon mints. It seemed like she kept quite a stash in there. She lies on the plus side and it didn't look very convenient for her to bend down to pick it up. She looked embarrassed, but nobody seemed willing to lend a hand. Maybe it was because she acted differently, I assumed; She was immersed in her own curiosity of the things around her and that seemed to make people uncomfortable. I pulled my earpieces out, stretched forward, and retrieved her sweets for her. She thanked me very loudly, which made me very shy. I smiled and nodded, then proceeded to plug my earpieces back in. She faced the front, then turned back towards me again. "I've got it safe in my bag now!" she announced excitedly, as though assuring me that she's got her sweets under control. I didn't know what to say, except to secretly wish she'd remain this optimistic every day no matter what people think of her.

Again, I chose to alight at the Aquatics Centre to take a walk back home instead of alighting at my door step. I checked the weather forecast before I left the house in the morning, and true enough, the sky turned grey by late afternoon and the wind was back. Not that it's much of a surprise, but I need to emphasise on how the sky was so terribly grey, and I mean dull grey, as if grey wasn't dull enough by nature. Oxford Road is veritably a very scenic stretch of architectural buildings, but walking down it in such a weather isn't the most picturesque moment. I dropped by the learning commons to grab a cup of earl grey from the cafe. It's the probably the only place I'd ever get earl grey from again. The last time I ordered earl grey from Costa, Cafe Nero and other cafes, all I ever got was a cup of disappointment. I left the learning commons and arrived at my vexingly heavy back gate again, but I took a back step and decided to keep on walking. I kept on walking and crossed through Whitworth Park, before I found a bench and sat down there with my earpieces still on from the bus ride. By the time I was done with my cuppa, my hour-long playlist ended, and I headed back home. For real.

I think I've made quite a few good decisions today. 

T-14

T-14 to home. 

This place is a shithole, but this shithole, I'll miss.

(Not gonna deny, this is the state of my room most of the times)

(Cupboard mirror open to hide my laundry line of dei kor behind)

Oxford

5 May 2015 / Oxford, UK

[Canon EF 50mm F1.8] [Sigma 17-50mm F2.8]

The past fortnight has reminded me of how much more closer I am to home than I think. Seeing friends from home brings a feeling like no other. Taking Joelle and Lummy around Manchester felt like any other day wandering around town back in Sg (although I stick with my stand that there is absolutely nothing to do here). Put down a hundred bucks for a London-Oxford day trip to meet Berty in the spur of a moment as well but there was not a single regret. Guess it won't be long till I meet the rest of you long lost darlings. It's seems like forever, but I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home.

From the bed

I think I've had better sleep on bus rides than on my bed.

On the bus, you can hear people chatting and their feet shuffling up and down the bus. You can hear the bell ringing, and you can hear the engine running.

On the bed, it's just me, and the ringing sound of my thoughts.

Greece; Athens & Santorini

How was my trip? It was grim, unlike the stories these pictures depict. Don't get me wrong; I enjoyed my trip very much. You see, in Greece, when we strayed away from the tourist attractions and walked through the streets of the city, I realised that things aren't quite as what the typical postcards have portrayed. People think of the artistic ruins on vast fields of green when they think of Athens, instead of the far-too-many homeless individuals sleeping on the floor and the locals who are afraid of being robbed in their very own home country. People think of white walls, blue doors and picture-perfect sunsets when they think of Santorini, but not of the cordial restaurant owners and staff, some of which who don't have a home and only reside in Santorini in the peak seasons to scrape through life. This is Greece. This is Greece as it is.

[Sigma 17-50mm F2.8]