Is that alright?

My mind felt curiously light and in one vivid moment, half of which was taken up by indignation and rage and half by a pulse of energy in my hand to pat myself on the shoulder. The extinction of even the slightest sign of hesitation was sufficient as a form of assurance that it was impossible for me to ever crawl back to that same pathetic, painful state again -- the one that crushed me, utterly. Optimism wasn't, and still isn't, an easy thing to regain, but I made it. However, amidst all these victorious moments, the same snowball of self-abhorrence from the past had returned, rolling down the field of white as it used to, but fortunately, slower this time. I've won the war, but I don't like what I'm doing.